Smoking has been a part of me for more than 20 years. I started smoking before I was old enough to drive and have been at it ever since. I am not sure how I even started smoking. If I remember correctly I held a friends cigarette for her at a party, took a hit and that's was it. After that I was a smoker.
Although I know smoking is bad for me and knew that even before I started, I like to smoke. I am not afraid to admit. I enjoy having a cigarette. that is the main reason it has been hard for me to try and quit. I don't want to even though I have tried more times than I care to count. I need to quit because it is bad for me but I don't want to quit.
I have tried many ways to quit smoking. I have tried cold turkey. I have tried limiting the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day. I have tried scheduling my cigarettes. I have even tried the patches. they have all failed. or maybe I have failed them due to make lack of commitment to quit. I failed them because my heart wasn't in it.
The cold turkey approach was the most disastrous. and it didn't last for long. I was a truly miserable person trying to quit smoking this way. I knew from the start I was going to fail because I didn't want to quit. I wasn't ready. my husband and kids didn't want to be around me when I was trying to quit smoking cold turkey. my dog was even a little skittish.
Limiting the amount of cigarettes I had in one day was an easier approach for me to quit smoking. If I allowed myself 10 cigarettes a day I knew they had to last and they did. sometimes I even had some left over. This was easy to do in the summertime because I also only allowed myself to smoke outside. it was much easier that way to limit how many I smoked. This actually went very well until the first snowflake. Once the weather turned my smoking limit went down the drain.
Putting me on a smoking schedule was another disaster. it was actually recommended to me by my high school guidance councilor when he found out my junior year I was smoking. he said that's how he quit. so I gave it a half-hearted try. I was allowed to light a cigarette at any time as long as it was between 15 and 30 minutes past the hour. Meaning if it was 1:20 I was free to light up but if it was 1:35 I had to wait until the next scheduled time. This was another epic failure.
When I tried the patch I realized two things. the first thing I realized was that if I truly wanted to quit smoking the patch could potentially help me. it took away the need for a cigarette. the second thing I realized was that I really didn't want to quit. I had the tools I needed but not the mindset to carry it through. the patch really did curb that "Oh my god, I need a cigarette" feeling but I didn't let it work for me.
Now I of all people should want to quit smoking. I watched family members suffer with and struggle through life with asthma, COPD, and lung cancer. However, even with my predestined disposition I haven't had that strong urge to quit. that urge that is strong enough to overcome the want. But someday I will conquer this habit and have the willpower and want to stomp out my last butt.
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